I don’t think I ever felt a sense of being under appreciated then I did this past weekend. I don’t seek praise, compliments, or attention. But it comes to a point when you as a person have to know your self-worth even when others don’t recognize it. What is truly disappointing is the relationships I tend to foster with people, only to find out they don’t give a damn if you are a presence in their life. I hate trying to figure out where people stand. You know the cliché, “Reason, Season, or a Lifetime.” We tend to think we know who is who and whom we are dealing with, but that is truly never the case. Nobody, and I repeat, Nobody is ever how they seem. So why would we expect to know their real stance in our lives...
Today was such a revealing day. You know just sitting at my desk, I had an epiphany of “Wow, I can’t believe me and _____ haven’t spoken in almost a month.” This was pretty shocking because me and _____ use to talk all the time, every day, mid-day, all night. And now, we don’t even speak because of some silliness on one of our parts (I don’t believe it’s me, but I could be wrong). I can honestly say that I tried. Even when I was the one that was hurt by _____ comments about me, I called him. But I dislike people getting mad, when you get mad at them, and they are the reason you’re mad. I know just plain ole madness. But _____ just wasn’t being receptive of my attempts to kindle back up our friendship during those failed attempts at a phone conversation. This time something different happened. I stopped trying, I stopped calling, I stopped it all. Usually I would be the one to keep going, keep pushing, keep attempting until _____ saw that he was my damn best friend and couldn’t live without me. I was hoping though that this one time, would play out different. That _____ would take the initiative and call me and say “I’m sorry.” I was even willing to settle without the apology. But in my Beyoncé “If I were a Boy” voice “YOU THOUGHT WRONGGGGGG!”
I attended a workshop by one of my co-workers this past weekend, during Nashville Black Pride, and a few things stuck with me that made me think about the relationships in my life. I think I work too hard at pleasing others then I do at pleasing myself. (As that line from Destiny Child’s song “If” pops in my, “You’re gonna miss me, when I’m gone!”). Have you ever been out, having a great time with your friends and you’re super excited about seeing someone because you know they will be at the same club? Well I had that feeling too, and it wasn’t anything that I expected. When we first embraced, it was cool, but after… NOTHING! It amazes me how someone has the ability to make me feel alone in a room of over 150 people. I think it was at that moment when I realized just how much it really hurt and just how much I really let someone else determine my happiness. But something has to change. I shouldn’t be extremely ecstatic about your presence while you’re only slightly moved my mines!
One thing that bothers me most about dwindling relationships or friendships is when one person is in the battlefield fighting for it to work, while the other person has surrendered.
I miss the person who used to get me, understand me, and fully accept me. I miss the person who didn’t judge, didn’t hurt, and didn’t leave me. I miss feeling totally secure, comfortable, and in true bliss. I miss the feeling of want, warmth, and joy. But overall I miss ME! I just read this article about the history of Halloween, which I’ll give you an excerpt from it says “Halloween… is a time when the veil between the worlds of the living and dead are at its thinnest. People get lost on the other side. Ghosts get lost among us.” This just may be the perfect day to lose that person who felt all alone while being surrounded by hundreds of people. This just may be the perfect day to lose that ghost of what seems to be a dead friendship. Let it go, and let it flow because ultimately it’s not about you, it’s about me!perfect day to lose that ghost of what seems to be a dead friendship. Let it go, and let it flow because ultimately it’s not about you, it’s about me!
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